Pain of Remembering
by Dark433angel
Summary: What happens when Nikita loses her memory of everything she ever loved and begins a new life. Will Michael be able to get her back? Will her new life be to perfect to give up? What will happen when she learns about her past? (I stink at this summary)
1. Chapter 1

**This will probably be like a 5 chapter story. Just had the idea in my head so I decided to go with it. Hope you enjoy it.**

"_Nikita!" _

_She moved her hand away from her line of sight. The blinding light engulfed her. She could see nothing beyond its rays. _

"_Nikita! Please!" _

_She couldn't speak or move. All she could do was listen. Listen as someone called out to her with all there soul. _

_Suddenly a blurred black silhouette was beginning to appear. It took the shape of a man running to her, his arm reaching out for her. "Nikita!" his voice became more clear. It was gravelly, yet to her it was soothing. She can't place it, but it seemed all too familiar. _

_She slowly raised her hand, extending her fingers for his touch. She didn't know why, but she did. Her face remained blank, but in her head she could feel herself screaming out for him. _

"_It's okay I got you," his embrace was only inches away. _

"_Bang!" a gunshot echoed through the air. _

"_Nikita!" _

Nikita jolted up. Her fists clenched the sheets, practically tearing them apart. She looked around her trying to get a sense of where she was. Her breaths and heart rate increased as the man's voice continued in her head. Sweat raced down her back.

She looked at her hand. There was nothing there, but for some reason she could feel his touch

_Every night the same dream. Every night the same person. I can't remember a night that I didn't see him. But why? What are these dreams trying to tell me?...Or am I just going crazy?_

Nikita lied back down in her bed, letting the cold sweat beat down her cheek. She placed her hand on her head trying to wipe away the panic. Her heart raced like lightning slamming into the ground. She let out one big sigh and let her mind ease, trying hard to focus on nothing but the sun and the sound of the ocean.

"You okay?" a calming voice spoke out.

Nikita rolled over, giving herself nothing but the sight of the man next to her. "Yeah," she smiled at him, "Did I wake you?"

His eyes lit up as he loved nothing more than waking up next to her. "Not at all."

Nikita giggled a little as she saw the man's chaotic bed hair. Each morning she woke up to it, but it never lost its hilarity.

Without warning her smile vanished, only to leave a look of discomfort in its place. Nikita's eyes had never seemed so consumed in fear before.

He rolled over on his stomach looking at her with his sparkling blue eyes, calming her. He placed his hand on her cheek, cuffing it. "Did you have the dream again?" his voice rang out with nothing but sympathy.

The gloss in her eyes reflected the sun as tears began to awaken. "…Yeah," she whispered trying to keep herself together.

His thumb traveled across her cheek, brushing it. "It's okay."

Nikita closed her eyes, letting herself focus on nothing but his warm lips upon her cheek. But even that couldn't erase the feeling.

"You'll remember it when you need to," he whispered in her ear.

Knowing that he was there, made her cheeks widen with a smile. Slowly she closed her eyes moving closer to his lips, letting his breath sweep across her lips.

Suddenly their touch met. She brushed her fingers through his hair as he wrapped her tighter in his embrace. Not one word was spoken, only love was felt.

Kiss after kiss their tongues danced with one another. Giving no signs of air they deepened into one another.

He paused from their dance and placed his forehead on hers, looking at nothing but her eyes. "I love you Nikita," he smiled.

Her face beamed, "I love you to Jason." Her soft lips danced with his one last time, giving him a passionate peck.

"Mommy!" an innocent shout came from the door way.

Suddenly the bed shook as the tiny girl jumped on it holding her teddy bear, "Good morning!"

Nikita sat up seeing the child smiling back at her, "Good morning Alexandra."

Nikita picked her 3 year old up, cradling her close to her heart. Just holding Alex in her arms made her feel at peace.

"What, no good morning daddy?" he pouted playfully.

"No," Alex shook her head.

Jason rose to his knees. "Well than I guess I'll just have to get it out of you," he grabbed the child placing her on the bed tickling her. "Say it!" he continued to tickle her breathing into her stomach.

Nikita's heart rose at the sound of an innocent laugh. She watched as her life seemed all to perfect. A kid and a loving husband was all a girl could ask for. It seemed like heaven.

"_Nikita!" _

She clenched her head with her hand, trying hard not to show any pain.

_That voice. Why is it haunting me? …Just leave me alone!_

"I love you daddy!" Nikita awoke from her thoughts as Alex finally gave in.

Jason smiled picking Alex up. "Good because we don't want you to miss school." He looked at Nikita, "Can you drive her today? I have to head into work early."

Nikita nodded, "Go get ready," she told Alex.

**Which actor do you think Jason should look like? I can't decide so I will let you guys decide. **


	2. Chapter 2

The morning sun beamed in through the mini vans windows. Nikita drove with nothing but a smile as she glanced back at the dark haired toddler in her back seat.

"Hey mommy," the child spoke out, "Can you help me finish my homework."

"Alexandra you should have had it done by now," Nikita spoke with a tone only a mother could give. The one that was authoritative but filled with love.

"I couldn't. I need your help," she pleaded. "Pwease."

"What's the question?" Nikita smiled as her baby girl tried to say please.

Alex shuffled through her flowered back pack, searching for a small piece of paper. Crayons fell as everything spilled to the floor. "Aha," she shouted, "Found it!"

"What's the problem?" Nikita focused on driving as the lanes began to speed up.

"We're learning about our name, and their meanings," she picked up a red crayon to right with, "Why did you name me Alexandra?"

Just as she was about to speak her mouth froze. Nikita paused at the thought. Every day since her baby girl was born she never asked herself why Alex.

In her mind there was no name that was more perfect for a daughter. She had no idea why or where she had gotten the name from the name Alexandra seemed to make her smile no matter what. There was no real other choice.

"Mommy! Look!" a shout came from the back seat.

Nikita turned her head only to see a small cities crime. It was something they were used to where they lived. A man was being mugged at gun point by another man for who knows what reason.

She slammed on the breaks bringing the car to a sudden halt. Nikita froze. She was like a dear in headlights.

_That man… I know I've seen him before…_

"Alex wait here," she muttered as if in a trance, never taking her eyes off the man as she unbuckled her seatbelt.

_That man... Those green eyes… That face…_

A sudden feeling of misery took hold. She could feel it traveling through her head. The jabbing came at her nonstop. It hurt but she didn't care.

Car horns blared as she stepped out into traffic. Taxis swerved their tires only inches away from Nikita. Step by small step she entered busier traffic.

"Mommy!" Alex cried out as she watched car almost hit her mother, "What are you doing?!... I'm scared! Mommy!"

"I'll be right back," Nikita whispered still in a daze, but already too far away for the child to hear.

"Give it to me!" the man's gravelly voice broke through the screeching of tires as he pointed the gun tighter to the other man's head.

_That voice… I've heard it before… Why does it haunt me?..._

Suddenly a trucks horn blared threw the chaos. Its tires leaving smoke in the air while they scream out. The driver's foot was on the floor, slamming the breaks. The skidding of the tires echoed like banshees.

None of it fazed Nikita. She kept slowly walking into the middle of rush hour. Cars barely missing her with a force greater than sixty miles an hour as hair blew across her face.

She tilted her head, trying hard to focus on the man's chiseled face.

Out of nowhere her eyes flashed. A pain shot threw her head only to feel like someone was jamming a knife slowly through her brain.

She fell to her knees clenching her skull, praying for the pain to stop. She sat there motionless, gripping her eyes shut. Unlike the other times she couldn't take it. It was too much.

The trucks horn became louder and closer. It was only yards away blaring its only warning sign.

Nikita gradually turned her head to the sound, still clasping her head.

"Mommy!" Alex's innocent scream rang out.

Without warning everything went black. There was no voices, no car horns, nothing. All she heard was a muffle as she was thrown back. "Nikita!"

Along with no noises, there was no pain. There was no clash of metal on her bones. Instead of feeling the breaking of bones, she felt arms. She could feel someone's arms wrap around her, pushing her out of danger.

Her eyes widened as they hit the hard concrete ground. She tried hard to see the ally way, but it was all a blur. As her eyes began to focus she could see the once dangerous ally was clear. The man was gone. There was no one there.

"Nikita… Nikita!" a muffle turned into a clear voice. She slowly looked at her savior. His arms cuddling her as she began to become herself again.

"Jason?.." she whispered confused.

"It's okay I got you," he rocked her back and forth. His heart was racing at what he just saw. Jason was just glad he made it in time. The thought of what could have happened if he didn't make it on time was a nightmare.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks so much for all the reviews! I was really surprised, since this story was supposed to be kind of a blow off story since I really didn't know where any of it was going. (Kind of the reason why the first two chapters were so short) but I'll try to make them longer now. Enjoy this chapter!**

Nikita sat there in the isolated chair. The way the hospital room was decorated made her feel more alone than before. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to feel the slightest bit better.

_I saw him… I know I did. He was there!_

"Mommy, what's wrong?" The small child's always happy face showed nothing but a

frown.

Nikita lifted her baby girl up, placing her on her lap just like she did every night when she read to her. "Mommy is just a little ill right now."

"What's wrong?" The child tilted her head, "You don't look sick."

Nikita gave her a reassuring smile. "I'm sure it's nothing to worry about." She kissed Alex on the head and rubbed her back.

Her face read bravery, but her heart screamed fear. She had no idea what was going to happen or what she was going to do.

She hugged the child tighter. ('What if they take my family away')

Alexandra wrapped her arms around her mother's neck, holding tightly. "Is my hug making you feel better," Nikita backed away from the hug and smiled at her daughter, "Your hugs always make me feel better," her tiny voice said.

Nikita's cheeks grew wider as the smile made its home. She placed her forehead on Alex's, "I can already feel it working." She kissed her baby's forehead.

"Alex, can you give me and mommy some time alone," a voice came from the doorway.

"Jason, please," Nikita pleaded.

"Alex there is some ice cream in the waiting room for you," he gave the girl a smile, "It'll melt if you don't eat it soon."

Nikita slowly unwrapped her arms, letting her daughter free from her embrace. She watched as Alex ran happily out of the room.

Jason closed the door, leaving him and Nikita alone.

"Jason I swear I saw that man," she stood up trying to defend herself, "I'm not crazy!"

Jason took a deep breath as he contemplated what was going on. Nikita could tell he didn't know which way to go with the situation.

"Jason please believe me," her voice became shaky.

He walked over to her and placed his hand on her shoulder, guiding her to sit back down. Her heart was racing a million beats a minute. Jason intertwined their fingers together. For once his touch didn't make her feel any better.

"Nikita..." he took another deep breath, "You need to tell me what you can remember."

"I told you before, I can't remember anything!" Her eyes gleamed over and a broken heart set in, "All I can remember was my name."

Jason stood up in frustration. His breathing became heavy as he walked around the room trying to cool off.

"You left our daughter alone!" He turned to Nikita, "You walked out in the middle of the street and almost died!"

A tear ran a race down her cheek, leaving the mark of fear and sorry as tracks.

"All this because you thought you saw someone that you can't remember!"

He stopped as he saw what he was doing. The way Nikita looked at him. It hurt. That single tear she once had, had transformed into a waterfall. She planted her face in her hands and let out her pain.

He slowly walked over to her and wrapped her in his embrace. He could feel her shaking as she began to hyperventilate. "Shh. Shh," he brushed her back, "I'm sorry," he closed his eyes focusing on her, "I just don't know what I'd do if I lost you two."

"I'm sorry," he could feel his shoulder turn wet from her tears, "I'm so sorry!"

"Hey, hey," he broke from their hug and looked her in the eye. He didn't say anything but she could tell what he was thinking.

Jason placed his hand on her cheek, brushing it with his thumb. "Let's check you out and go home," he smiled at her.

_**Later that Night back at Home**_

"And they lived happily ever after," Nikita closed the book, "The end."

Alex laid there, her teddy bear smothered in the child's arms. The was no way of knowing what fantasy the peaceful girl was dreaming about. "Good night sweaty," Nikita placed the book on the dresser and placed a kiss on Alex's cheek.

She slowly walked out of the room careful not to wake her little one.

"Nikita," Jason's voice spoke out from down stairs, "Can you come here?"

As Nikita descended down the stairs she saw a woman standing in front of the door. Her steps became slower s she became confused and careful of the stranger. "Jason," she said never taking her eyes off the woman, "Who's this?"

Jason came from outside with suitcases in each hand. "I didn't want to get anyone else involved but she can help."

"Jason who is the woman," Nikita's voice became slightly angry.

"This is my Aunt," he placed the bags down near the door, " She specializes in cases like yours. She can help."

"It's nice to finally meet you," the woman smiled trying to calm the situation, "My name is Amanda."

Jason could see Nikita was still uncomfortable. "I'm afraid that Nikita has placed Alex to sleep so you'll have to see her in the morning," he tried to break the silence, "Why don't we take care of the bags later and have a drink while we catch up," Jason began to walk to the kitchen. Nikita and Amanda followed him.

He grabbed three glasses and a bottle of wine.

Suddenly an ache began to surface in Nikita's head. She wanted to say something but she knew that would just cause problems. "I'm..." she coughed trying to clear her throat, "going to head to bed early. 8t's been a long day. You guys enjoy the drinks." She walked over Jason, "Good night. Love you."

Her lips found their way to his giving her a reassuring feeling of being home. The way his warm lips pressed against hers took her breath away and made her remember why she loved him so much every day.

She broke away. The pain was starting to rise up even more.

"I love you," he smiled at her, "Good night."

"Good night Amanda," Nikita turned to her as Jason placed his hand around her waist in a hug, "I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night Nikita," Amanda smiled, "I hope you feel better."

"Thank you," Nikita smiled back before giving Jason another quick peck.

She left the room and headed up stairs, great full that the day had finally come to an end.

"I see you two are getting along very well," Amanda smirked as she watched him pour the wine.

"Thanks for coming," Jason grabbed a glass of wine off the counter.

"You're lucky I came," she grabbed the glass out of his hands rudely as he was about to drink, "You were supposed to keep her in the dark."

"How is it my fault she's beginning to remember?"

Amanda glared at him as he talked back.

He stopped as he realized what he was doing. "What are we going to do about this?" His voice turned back to being obedient.

"You know what they say," she raised her glass, "The best way to beat your enemy is to make them join your side."


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry it's taken me so long to post anything. My Computer is busted and freezes every few seconds. So I'll try my best to find another way. But to make up for such a long wait here's somewhat of a long chapter. Hope I can post sooner. **

She stood there, letting the cool water race down her body. There was nothing better than a morning shower. It always eased her mind.

Nikita ran her fingers threw her hair, making sure all the shampoo was out. Suddenly she stopped. Her finger traced over the scar that haunted her. It made its mark from the back of her to almost to the top of the ear. It was the only thing she had when she woke up in the hospital that day so long ago.

The once relaxing shower just made her think. Today was the day Amanda was going to help her remember. Whether it was a past that she would love or a past she would regret ever knowing, she was going to find out. After today nothing was going to be the same.

"Mommy!" Alex ran up to Nikita jumping into her arms, "Good morning!"

"Good morning baby," Nikita smiled at Alex's brown eyes as they looked up to her.

"Can we play later?" The young child asked innocently.

"I don't know ," Nikita joked, "What are we going to play?"

"Umm umm," Alex began to panic.

Nikita giggled, "As long as I'm the fairy god mother."

She began to laugh even harder. "Did you forget where your mouth is?"

Right on the side of Alex's cheek was a glob of grape jelly. "No why?" Alex tilted her, "Dad did take my nose and now he won't give it back." She pouted.

"That's not good," Nikita licked her thumb and brushed it on the mess messy little girl's cheek, erasing the jelly.

"Hey she ate my toast first," Jason walked in from the kitchen.

"No I didn't," Alex stuck her tongue out playfully.

Nikita couldn't help but smile. She could never be more grateful to have such a healthy beautiful daughter and a wonderful thoughtful husband. Each day seemed so perfect.

"Then I'll just eat your pancakes," Jason pretended to begin to run to the kitchen.

"No!" Alex leaped out of Nikita's arms and ran as fast as she could.

Jason quietly laughed before turning to Nikita. "Good morning," he kissed her cheek showing his love as he interlocked their fingers.

Even though he did it every day it always made her blush like a school girl.

"Amanda and I rearranged the second guest room so she can help you in there," he whispered in her ear, "I made you breakfast before you head up."

Nikita let go of his hand and brushed her hair behind her ear. She coughed trying to clear her throat. The fear began to rise again. "I... think I'm just going to get this over with."

She began to walk back upstairs, but before she could reach the top she heard footsteps behind her. She turned around to face him.

"Hey were in this together," he smiled at her.

A small bit of relief appeared on her face, "Thank you," a small smile made its way on her face.

The walk down the hall seemed like the longest ever. Each step, Nikita could practically hear her footsteps echo in her head. To her this simple walk was like walking down death row.

"Hello Nikita," the woman said as they entered the room, "Why don't you have a seat and we'll get started."

Nikita sat down in the couch, but before Jason could join her Amanda spoke, "This works better when it's one on one."

Nikita looked up at Jason, pleading for him to stay. She didn't know what but she didn't trust Amanda.

"I'll be right outside the door," he rubbed her shoulder before leaving, "she'll help you."

Nikita watched as the door closed, her only sense of peace leaving.

"Shall we begin," Amanda poured some tea.

"How are you supposed to help me?" Nikita questioned why she even agreed to this.

"I'm here only to give you a gentle push to remembering," Amanda smirked as she handed a cup of tea to Nikita.

Nikita sat there, looking at the strange woman, curious. For some strange reason she didn't trust the woman. She had only known her for a few hours and didn't trust her.

Realizing the woman was still holding out the cup, she grabbed it, "Thank you."

Amanda grabbed her notepad and sat back in her chair, crossing her legs, "Let's start by lying back. Take deep breaths and clear your mind.

Doing what she was told, she took a deep breath, clearing her mind of all thoughts and finally putting it to peace.

"_Nikita run!" _

_Crimson blood dripped down her finger tips as she held her arm. She ran as fast as she could. _

_This can't be happening! No one was supposed to get hurt!_

_She turned a corner and was suddenly greeted by a barrel of a gun to the face._

"_Don't do this," she pleaded, "You don't have to do this."_

_Nikita had no idea who she was but she couldn't bring herself to fight back, she didn't have it in her heart._

_The young woman, holding the choice of life and death in her hands showed no emotion, but somehow there was a tear dripping down her chin. "They died because of you!"_

_"Bang!"_

"No!" Nikita launched herself from the couch. Sweat raced down her face. Breath after breath her heart kept racing.

"Nikita we can't stop there," Amanda placed a hand on Nikita's shoulder, "We are only beginning to find the truth of what happened."

"I can't do that again," she shook her head.

"I know it's hard but…"

"No!" she wiped her forehead and stood up, "Were done."

"Nikita,"

She stormed out of the room, past Amanda's words and Jason's shocked stare.

"Mommy what's wrong?" Alex was scared, she had never seen her mother like that before, "Are you not better?"

"I'm fine," she took a deep breath and crouched down in front of the startled girl, "Grab your coat we're going to the park."

The child ran off doing what she was told. Nikita needed some fresh air and didn't trust Amanda in the same house as her baby. Something didn't seem right with the woman.

"Mommy can I go get some ice cream?" Alex looked up as she stood on her toes, begging, "Pleeease."

Nikita looked down at her smiling and shaking her head, "Won't that ruin your appetite?"

"I'll take an extra scoop of vegetables," she pleaded again "I'll get your favorite."

"O alright," Nikita dug through her purse taking out a ten, "Go in the line and come straight back," she scolded the girl for her safety. "No running off like you usually do. I swear I don't know where you get your love for adventure from."

Alex smiled happily, the thought of which flavor to get made her eyes twinkle. She grabbed the ten and skipped to the line.

Nikita sat there watching her baby girl like a protective mother lion, making sure no harm came to her cub. She hated the fact of letting Alex do something on her own. The young child had an act for getting into trouble. Whether it is fights or sneaking into restricted areas, she always found a way to find it.

Nikita looked down as she felt her phone vibrate underneath her hand.

("Where are you, Love Jason ")

Her fingers danced across her keyboard as she was about to txt back, but for some reason she stopped. She didn't want to deal with everything just yet.

"Home trouble?" A grainy voice spoke out.

"Yeah…" she froze when she realized it _That voice…_

She felt her heart stop. That voice haunted her day and night. Nikita head slowly looked up. Was it a figment of her imagination, or was it real.

"You..."

The man's stubbly face smiled. "Hello Nikita."

"…You're real," She couldn't believe it.

He chuckled, surprised. The man spoke no words. The way he looked at her, the pain in his eyes, it made her hurt. "Who are you?" she was desperate for some answers, "Why do you keep ruining my life?"

He didn't say anything. His eyes were red as they began to glaze over.

"Answer me!" she slammed her fists on the table.

The tables around her looked and watched as the drama unfolded.

She was tired of being punished for a past she couldn't even remember. She was tired of her past haunting her each night. She was just tired of it all. Nikita needed answers.

His eyes filled with anger. "I can't believe after everything. You did this."

"Did what? I don't remember what you're talking about!"

He shook his head. He couldn't believe that after all they'd been through, she just forgot. "I'm sorry Nikita."

Confusion took hold of her as she looked at him. Her eyes widened as he stood up, a gun pointed at her forehead.

"Please don't!"

A gun shot rang out, echoing throughout the store. Nikita froze. Her heart felt ripped out of her chest.

Michael's eyes glared at her. The look of hatred and anger sunk in to his eyes.

Nikita couldn't breathe. "Alex!" Her screams rang out. Her throat yelled as loud as possible.

Michael smiled as his bullet hit its mark. Blood splattered the concrete floor, covering it in a crimson ocean.

Nikita didn't care about the gun anymore. She ran past Michael seeing his proud face in a quick blur.

_No! Please no! Not her anything but her!_

She fell to the floor. Her daughters lifeless body lying in front of her. "Alex you'll be okay," she picked her up, cuddling her in her arms, "You're going to fine, just hang in there."

She brushed her babies hair out of her pale face, hoping to see her beautiful brown eyes. The sight was something a mother would be haunted by.

Nikita could feel the crimson liquid spread on her legs. Dark clouds arose behind her eyes. Her heart was breaking in her chest. Each tear streamed down her trembling chin and fell onto her daughter's motionless body. "Stay with me baby. Please! You're going to be okay."

She turned her baby's head trying to get her to wake up, but the head just fell back down.

"Alex!" Her arms stretched around the body, encasing her in a broken soul, "Now is not time to play games. Wake up baby."

The fact that there was no response broke her even more. Her chin trembled with each word she spoke. She felt like she couldn't breathe.

Nikita hugged her child tighter. Her head felt no pulse in the young child's chest. "Alex Please!," her words were barely understandable as she couldn't help but cry, "Alex!"

**To be continued... Bum bum bum. **


End file.
